our, i mean, my

by Taylor Ashley

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1.
it's ok 01:18
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don't give up it's gonna get better better than this i know, i know you can't forget her kiss or find the will to live just throw me in the abyss it's gonna get harder before it gets better when knots come untethered you don't float like a feather it's ok to feel this way it's ok to be the same
2.
maybe it would've saved us 03:07
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i want to drink champagne on a front porch become the best version of myself the cigarettes smoked, our earth scorched maybe it would've saved us if we sought out help not only did i choose you i chose so many memories now that you're gone all the focus is on me i want to watch you walk through a bookstore always did love watching you read like that day in rose city, we just explored maybe it would've saved us if we knew what we needed not only did i loose you i lost so many memories now that you're gone all i have is anxiety i want to go back to the west coast i'd let you throw another hat into the ocean i know all i am is your next best ghost maybe it would've saved us if we stayed in motion so many views with you and so many memories now that you're gone i can't see anything i want to live in the cottage off of boulder our bridge, just across the street how many times did you give me the cold shoulder? maybe it would've saved us if i just wasn't me remember when you said this wasn't our future? i couldn't talk you out of hiding anymore leave me all the wounds and take all the sutures i tried to save us but you walked out the door
3.
gaslight blues 02:52
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you were a milestone turned a millstone wrapped around my neck. toss me in the sea i’ve always wondered how much fun drowning could be. we had an old fashioned love garnished with oranges and cherries you leave your peels somewhere else now and spit me out like you do all of those pits i cut my teeth on you drowning now i gotta sink or swim apathetic, i’ll pace the room tell myself that you left on a whim nothing really left to do but feel the lack of my phantom limb i feel like i borrowed you knew it was too good to be true you were my library book overdue my midwest storm, over too soon i asked you to come home every day for four years restlessly wandering prone then i saw it in your eyes, all of my fears. i cut my teeth on you drowning now I gotta sink or swim apathetic, i’ll pace the room tell myself that you left on a whim nothing really left to do but feel the lack of my phantom limb nothing left to lose so i’ll wipe my chin and get up again and keeping singing these gaslight blues cause the only hard thing you chose was the end
4.
down in three 02:08
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i should've took that fork in the road maybe it would've saved me some grief it's not anything someone could've told but i always knew you were gonna leave now i wait then you're gone now i'm here then you're there guess we'll see what's gonna happen to me was i your kitchen sink? was i the thing that made you clean out of sync? i swear i heard our bell ring with no referee to call the ending now i'm punch drunk still you hit me now i'm down for the count guess we'll see who's going down in three
5.
head in a vice 02:46
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take me out i am the one that’s down for the count seal my fate i never thought you’d be someone i'd hate high and dry on those nights wishing i’d die forgetting the reasons why not knowing how much more I can try fuck me up drinking alone with just me and my pup in too deep i had no idea you were playing for keeps head in a vice i am the one who’s paying the price while you get to live a new life and no longer be my wife. losing hope all of my vices can’t help me cope shame on me for not giving myself time to breathe you won’t stay i'll feel it all out and swallow the pain it’s ok to be this way it’s ok to be the same no i don’t miss you anymore you walked out the front door and made me a stranger to myself and our friends i mean my friends
6.
weeds 03:34
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you didn't plow the fields you didn't plant the seeds but i stood there pulling up all of your weeds you never did the work to get to me i guess that's how it goes eventually please don't say you want to leave please don't say you don't want me you didn't till the soil or water our crops but i stood there pulling out all of the stops you never wanted to open up to me i guess that's what happens consequentially you said you were scared to leave me why then did it feel so easy? you'll write no poems about leaving me you erased me from your history you didn't tend my heart or cultivate our love while i stood there where you were all i could think of you never recognized the potential in me i guess that means i'm easy to leave i cooked every meal and did every chore hoping you wouldn't seal our fate because you were bored i still choose you while you walked out the door
7.
lucky one 02:50
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cut from a cloth but i don't know about the same the light draws in the moth but still somehow i'm the one to blame we both create out of pain and self-perpetuate the same space look around and see what you've gasined decisions made in haste i guess you don't care about me anyway now i'm correcting myself saying our, i mean, my never thought i'd see this knot untied then i'm blaming myself guess you can't say i didn't try never thought i'd see our love die i was the lucky one we used to say all good days i saw your smoking gun in the weeks after my birthday i know i made you strange apple of my eye, rotting away look around and see our decay but you're the one who made me deranged it doesn't fucking matter what happens anyway now i'm hurting myself sitting on standby those three months were a lifetime then i'm hating myself while i watch the paint dry staring at the wall, mortified
8.
cardinal sin 04:27
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i used to see the growth in us and only saw the light in you how do you feel when i say me too me too me too when light starts to fade even blue eyes turn grey all the feelings when you said i want to leave you we're a powder keg, you'll pull the pin my expectations of you, the beginning of the end your restless feet, what eventually did us in my visceral heart, the cardinal sin you wanted it all with me once and i wanted everything in you this used to be good and true and the ocean remembers that, too go ahead and say your reasons remind me of all our treasons never meant to stop your dreaming when the fuck did i become your ceiling? prone to wander prone to beauty you won't forgive me you won't chose me you'll refuse me you lost me prone to squander prone to leaving i will find me at the bottom of a glass smoking too many bones all my vices en masse picking up the sticks and stones they didn't really help that much i had to get my shit together swallowed by grief's touch i'll learn to float like a feather i'll drive to the bridge and take off my ring lock it up and leave it there, a monument for all to see it'll be there if you want it, that piece of me until i see the ocean again, do you think she still remembers me? no one gonna hold me now so i'll hold myself accountable my own fields, i will plow my harvest is starting to look bountiful
9.
better 01:12
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you're still here it somehow got better better than before i know, i know it's hard to close that door but you found the goddamn door not prone on it anymore it got so much harder before it get better but you held it together this storm, you did weather it's ok to deal with the pain it's ok to forget her name

about

a bridge, a garden, a knot, the ocean, the front door, now & then.
metaphors “our, i mean, my” circles around almost to the point of exhaustion, representing the mental spiraling while grieving the loss of a partner & a future. put on display for all to see, the moments in life both cherished & scorned, “our, i mean, my” quiets & soars in the softly sung and the raw howls. premising the album, “it’s ok” foreshadows the rest of the record, setting the scene of process, blame & guilt, where “better” concludes it, reveling that if there isn’t deeper in the pit to go, the only place to go is up. “maybe it would’ve saved us” takes up the mantle of painting small glimpses of the life lived, while questioning if a different outcome was at all possible. “gaslight blues” shows the anxiety of finding which path to go down: spiral out, process the pain, or simply just stay right there. “down in three” questions self, if all the good in the relationship was worth the pain. “head in a vice” spins around & around in self-doubt & soft anger. “weeds” shows badly you want what you know, even if it’s actively hurting you. “lucky one” accepts the eventual end & the state of self in the process. “cardinal sin” nostalgically looks back, while seeing a light ahead, grounding self in the former, while moving toward the latter. recorded live to embrace the imperfections & feeling of being in the same room as the pain displayed, “our, i mean, my” shows all is not lost, but loss is inevitable.

credits

released September 10, 2021

all songs written and performed by Taylor Ashley
mixed, mastered, and produced by Aaron Noble Brown
lyrical credits to Aaron Noble Brown, Ashton Longwell, and Katie Bennett

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all rights reserved

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Taylor Ashley Colorado Springs, Colorado

emotional, baby boy. feeling all the feels.

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